I remember when people made fun of you for drinking cough syrup just to get a buzz...

Now it seems to be the thing to do. I mean really? This whole "lean" thing is out of control in my opinion. The prime example of people just following a crowd. Do they think about the side effects? Of course not. No one worries about how it could cause your breathing to slow to a dangerous rate or stop completely. Or how it could...well idk, kill you. -___- No they just want to look kool with their 2 styrofoam cups (could be purple, it could be pink and all that jazz), just like wayne and them rappers down in Houston. That's why i don't pay attention to that whole "oh it's never killed anyone bullshit when it comes to weed and alcohol (even though alcohol is very capable of killing) as a means to justify what people are doing. Ummm, lean has killed people...soooo now what's your excuse? I mean, i would think a corona or a shot of vodka/tequila or something is better than sitting here drinking some mess that really makes you feel like shit in my opinion. I was prescribed codeine last year and that mess did NOT have me on no cloud 9. I wasn't even taking it the way the doctor told me to because i hated how it made me feel. What's really got me going is the fact that this mess is all over the place. People posting pictures on facebook, negros tweetin talking bout "who selling some Promethazine?" Like really? I didn't know it had gotten so popular. I didn't know drinking  prescription allergy medicine with sprite was the kool thing to do now. People kill me....seriously. 

Waiting on the Man to change

I tweeted something yesterday that made oomf (I now know that means “one of my followers” lol) bring up a very good point. I said, “Isn’t the south supposed to be the home of the gentlemen? I guess they all moved.” He said that women aren’t looking for that anymore. Sad but true. Women have lowered their standards and as a result, these men or boys…let’s just say males, see no point in doing the extra. Extra as in being respectful, loyal, faithful, and so on. I’ve touched on that before so I’m not going in on that now.

There are men out there that are good. Gentlemen still do exist but we don’t see them because we as females spend all our time trying to change a dog into a man. It’s not possible and time shouldn’t be wasted on doing so. Contrary to popular belief, it doesn’t matter how good the pussy is. If a man isn’t ready to settle down…he’s not going to. If a man isn’t ready to be faithful and focus on one woman…he’s not going to. If a man isn’t ready to trust or believe there are good women out there…he’s not going to, period. Now I’m not saying you can’t be the inspiration behind a changed man or that you can’t be that last push he needed over the edge because that is very possible. But don’t think his changes are completely based on you.

 I woke up from a nap, went to my phone to check twitter, and the first thing I see is a tweet from a guy I used to talk to… a guy I really liked at one point actually. It said “there are NO BITCHES at my school, smh” another tweet said “I will share any girl except my main.” There was one other ignorant tweet but I can’t remember what it said. Now at first I was like wow, I really dodged a bullet with this guy, I thought I knew him. Then I realized I DID know him. Which is why what we had never amounted to anything. I knew he wasn’t going to be faithful, I knew he wasn’t going to trust me, and I sure as hell knew I was just another “bitch” in his contacts. A part of a team. That’s why I walked away, removed him from my life. He truly does have potential to be a good guy, I saw that in him too…but am I going to sit here and spend all my time and energy trying to bring that out of him? Hell naw! He is not ready to be that man and it doesn’t matter what I do, or how good I am to him…he won’t change until he is ready. Now some women have that “oh if I stick around long enough, something will change eventually” mentality. Which may be true, but why sit waiting for this man to change when there are plenty of men out there who have already gone through these changes? Men who have grown up into the mature, respectful, loving men they are supposed to be and now they’re just waiting on a good woman to treat right. But here you are stuck on this fool that you that you think you can change. I’m sorry but I have no time or patience for that. You not ready to be “tied down”, “Smash, no cuffin” and all that good stuff, that’s great! Do you! Just don’t expect me to be in your life while you doing it. Women…up your standards. No need for long ass lists but…can we at least not settle for a part of the team over being the one and only? Can we at least not be okay with being called bitches? Can we at least know what we’re worth?

“Who can find a virtuous woman? For her price is far above rubies.” (Proverbs 31:10)

A Short story i wrote a little earlier

Julie

Tyler was a man with very few beliefs. He lived in a world that he thought was cruel, heartless, and ignorant. He was the definition of a loner, never really caring about being part of the society. A characteristic that he’s always had. His family was gone and he did not keep any close friends. He preferred it this way. Life was easier without the burdens of emotional attachments. He lived a simple life, spending most of his days at work. You would think with the amount of money he made he would treat himself to a vacation or maybe a night on the town. He didn’t see the point in those things however…just time wasted. “Dude, you really need to get out more...” his coworker droned on in the lobby of the employee break room. “There’s more to life than your cubical.” Tyler simply rolled his eyes and didn’t respond hoping Mark would get the message and leave him alone. The last time he decided to break his pattern and go to a bar with Mark, things ended disastrously. No need to relive such events. “Look if you’re still pissed about the last time, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize how much of a bitch that chick was.” Mark insisted as if he had been picking Tyler’s thoughts. Tyler finally spoke in a raspy voice he almost didn’t recognize, that was a common reminder to him of how little he spoke. “It’s fine man, I’m just not in the mood that’s all.” Mark sighed and walked away with a bit of an annoyed look on his face mumbling something along the lines of you’re never in the mood. Most would think that Tyler was missing something or unhappy with his life. He’d even heard a few coworkers joking behind his back about how he should commit suicide already. But Tyler was fine; he didn’t feel there was anything wrong with him. He just didn’t feel the need to participate in the mundane and redundant things that most people worried about.

Tyler lived a few blocks up the street from his job so he tends to walk to work. It was a beautiful day, clear blue skies, warm weather, and the light breeze was just enough to keep you from being uncomfortable. Of course Tyler never noticed the little things, his only thought was the bottle of Jack Daniels he had sitting on his table top and his bed. His boss had told him to go home early and take a break…”You’re a hard worker Tyler and this company is glad to have people like you, but I think a few days off will do you justice.” were his words. A few days off? For what?! To do what?! I wish people would stop trying to fix what isn’t broken! I’m fine…I’m more than fine, I’m GREAT. A loud screech followed by a thud, the sound of glass breaking, and a scream immediately brought him out of his thoughts. There was a girl lying motionless on the pavement in front of a minivan with a broken windshield. People were already surrounding her but most were in shock, not doing anything. Tyler ran over to check if the girl was still alive. She had a shallow pulse and she was breathing, but bleeding profusely, he didn’t notice where the blood was coming from. “Somebody…” he stopped to clear the raspy signature out of his voice. “Somebody dial 911”, his voice was very calm for someone who had just witnessed an accident. He didn’t yell that sentence like most did, he simply spoke it as if he was asking someone to pass the salt. He notices a woman pulling out a cellphone and he proceeds to walk away. He figured his good deed for the day, if it could be called that, had been done. But as soon as he tried to lift his leg he felt a gentle pull, it was just enough to get his attention. He looked down to see the young lady, now conscious, tugging at his pants and trying to speak. He crouched down to hear her better. “What did you say?”

“Don’t leave me,” she mumbled before coughing up a mouthful of blood. He stared at this young girl with tears in her eyes, so obviously afraid to be alone. Even with the blood, bruises, and cuts…he could tell she was attractive. Any other time he would of said he was sorry and walked away, but it was something about this girl…he almost felt as if he owed her his company. He sat with his legs crossed and pulled her into his lap immediately regretting the action after he’d done it. Don’t they say don’t move someone who’s been in an accident...what if he had just paralyzed her from the waist down or something. “Do you feel anything? Can you feel your legs?” He was surprised at the panic in his voice…he actually sounded like he cared. But he shook his head, knowing that he was only trying to cover his own ass. The girl slowly shook her head yes and he sighed in relief. He didn’t understand what he was doing, he should leave. He doesn’t know this girl, surely he could call someone else to hold her if she just didn’t want to be alone. “What’s your name?” The clarity of her voice caught him off guard, she was clearly fully conscious now surprisingly. “Tyler...” he said warily, he wasn’t too fond of giving strangers information about him, even if it was just his name. “Tyler…where is your family?”

“Dead…” He had already said the word before he realized how insensitive that was to the situation, but she didn’t seem to mind.

“I’m all alone too.” Her thoughts seemed to trail off for a few seconds before she continued speaking. “Have you ever been in love Tyler?” He immediately rolled his eyes, this girl has got to be delusional, he thought.

“I don’t believe in love…” He answered honestly. Why not indulge her? This day had taken a turn for the strange anyway, might as well keep it going.

“Why not?” she didn’t sound very surprised by his answer in fact, there was a hint of boredom to her tone. Like she had suppressed a sigh.

“It’s just how I feel. Hey I don’t think I’m the one you should be talking to about love, this isn’t a very good time to be depressed.” He smirked slightly, hoping she had gotten his mediocre joke. Instead she gave him her full attention, turning to look him in the face and repeating “why not”, no humor at all in her eyes. Tyler sighed and was in disbelief at this random and irrelevant conversation that was approaching. No one had ever asked him why before…and he never had to explain his reasoning. It took him a while to figure out exactly what to say in a way that wouldn’t be too difficult to understand and wouldn’t give away too much about his past. He decided to keep it general.

            “The people in this world are incapable of love. They only look out for themselves. They lie, cheat, and steal their way into their version of happiness and they don’t care how many broken hearts they leave behind. Love cannot survive in a world that is about survival of the fittest…a materialistic world where the only concerns are wealth and power. It just doesn’t exist. Maybe it used to but…not anymore. Everyone just has their own agenda.” Her smile was not the reaction he was expecting and her voice when she spoke sounded almost dreamy with a hint of amusement.

“You know, I came here looking for love. Looking to start over, enjoy my life…be happy. You may think that I wasted my time, and I almost did too. But you changed that. You say we live in a world without love, a world where everyone looks out for themselves and yet you came to sit here with a dying girl. A complete stranger. He you are sharing my last moments, showing kindness and patience to me. That is love Tyler.”

“I wouldn’t say that, I’ve been wondering why I’m doing this since the min I sat down with you.” He wasn’t a saint, and he didn’t want to be here…she had to know that.

“Love is what keep you anchored here Tyler, no matter how much you don’t want to believe that. You know you’re very easy to read. You shut people out in fear of being hurt, but you are a loving person. It’s embedded in your nature. A nature that you’re trying to fight for reasons I will never know. And that’s fine but, don’t think for a second that you’re fooling anyone. Everyone can see that ‘I don’t care’ attitude that you wear so proudly is being forced.”

“You don’t know me” He tried to tone down the edge in his voice. This girl was out of it and he had to treat her as such. “You don’t know what I’ve experienced; you don’t know what my life has been like.”

“I know I would have loved you. I know I would have tried my best to earn your trust. I would have treated you with kindness and loyalty, because I know that all you need is to be shown that it is possible. I would have shown you that love is possible.” She stared at him with such intensity in her eyes that he knew she was fully aware of what she was saying. Not “out of it” at all. The most surprising part to her words however, was the sincerity behind them. She didn’t blink, she didn’t look away, she stared right into his eyes and smiled. Her lips were dry, chapped, and almost the same color as her teeth because of the lack of blood in them…but her smile was still beautiful to him. She honestly believed that she could have loved Tyler and despite his better judgment… this caused him to believe her too. The icy and protective shell that he wore around him most of his life shattered and a wave of emotion washed over him.  Suddenly he was aware of everything: the sun, the blue skies, the light breeze, the audience of awe stricken spectators that he hadn’t realized were watching them, and the medium sized piece of glass protruding from the girl’s abdomen. His eyes had been opened, but nothing surrounding him mattered. All that mattered was that he didn’t want her to die now. Of course he never wanted her to die but now…somehow, he needed her. He wanted so badly to be with her, to walk with her, to know her. He thought that if there was a God, how he could be so cruel as to send him what could have been the love of his life at the time of her death. How could this situation possibly reestablish his beliefs in anything?

“Tyler...” He looked down at her ashen face; they were practically sitting in a pool of her blood. “I’m sorry that I came to you too late…but If I can’t leave you with love, at least let me leave you with hope. You’re a good man Tyler, and you’re very capable of bringing love back into this world.  As long as you have hope, you will find love again. I promise.” He could feel her pulse weakening and her breathing getting shallower. Her eyes slowly began to close.

“Wait!” Tyler shouted, shaking the girl now, refusing to let her go before answering his own question. “Wait! …What’s your name?!” Silence. “What’s your name!?”

“Julie” she whispered, before falling into a deep, peaceful sleep.

A few weeks later Julie’s estranged mother was packing up the girl’s belongings in her apartment. She hadn’t seen her daughter in years and the news of her death had left her heart broken. On her way out of the apartment she noticed a sticky note on Julie’s refrigerator. It was a ‘to do’ list, written on the day she died. There was only one sentence under the words To Do:

                        Make a difference in someone’s life.

Rant: feel free to not read

A follower of mine on twitter RTs this chick and it says, “drink the cum out of a wine class”. Now, lol…out of pure curiosity of what the hell this chick was talking about, I went to her page. Cuz I’m thinking that had to be out of context. But naw, all homegirls tweets are along those lines. “Suck the dick… on site” yes she spelled sight wrong. “Squeeze the dick on my pussy while you fucking me” I’m not even sure what that means. “Fuck a ring, buy me a house #soiknowitsreal” Now I wouldn’t care normally. It’s plenty of chicks that do this for attention on twitter. Their bios are usually along the same lines. But this chick calls herself classy in her bio. Classy...classy?! It makes me wonder if she knows the definition. Broads like this kill me and whether her particular case is just wanting attention or not, there are chicks out here that really act and think this way. Trifling type females that give the rest of us a bad name. I mean “fuck a ring, buy me a house?” How bout you buy yo own damn house? What makes you think you need a man to buy you a house? And what MAN do you even think is gonna give you the time of day? Maybe these nothing ass niggas might fall in love with your “classy” cum swallowing abilities, but these CEOs, these business men, these entrepreneurs? They will use you for exactly what you talking about and move on with life. No house, no ring, no respect. Yea you might be able to hold their attention long enough to swallow their cum with a wine glass but once the fun is over its “alright bitch get out my house...you’ve overstayed your welcome.” It’s one thing to be a freak...I’m completely down with that. But it’s another thing to just be straight up nasty with no self-respect. Keep your cum swallowing techniques in the bedroom, and limited to one guy…instead of putting it on blast on twitter. And broads wonder why dudes approach them the way they do. U think the nigga reading your tweets is like “Wow, yea she’s definitely wifey material!” more like “wow, yea she’s definitely DTF.” Smh, women need to get it together. That shit is not cute nor sexy.

Being in control

Okay, let’s be honest here. In this day and time, with all the advances we have in medical technology, if you really don’t want to get pregnant…uuhh you won’t. I mean not only do we have condoms, which I feel is the most unreliable form of birth control by the way…we have spermicide, the morning after pill, the birth control pill/shot, IUDs, hell nuvaring! There really is no excuse for an “unplanned pregnancy” except pure negligence. That’s the truth that most people don’t want to admit. Chicks will come up with all kinds of reasons to justify. Either birth control is too expensive or “it makes you fat”. Granted some women actually do have systems that may not agree with the shots or the pills but even then…I did mention spermicide and the morning after pill did I not? And as far as expenses go, if you don’t have insurance, which would make these methods considerably cheaper, they do have the Planned Parenthood clinics. They charge you based on your income and they also have discounts for students. Hell some of em give away brands of birth control pills for free for you to try. My point is we really shouldn’t have so many single and under 25 mothers running around, or so many abortion clinics overflowing. I’m not trying to start a pro-life or pro-choice debate here; all I’m saying is that it boils down to being responsible. If you know you are sexually active and not ready for a child…be woman enough to do something about it. I mean we stay blaming men because…they didn’t pull out quick enough or didn’t wear a condom…well you gotta be on your job too ladies. It’s not like there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. I’m not perfect… no one is, but we have to be a little smarter about our decisions. Paying 20 or 30…or at the most $50 for a Plan B pill is better than paying $300 to $400 at the abortion clinic. 

Is it just me?

I read something a lil while ago that really made me wonder if I’m the only one that feels the way I feel about commitment or if the majority of people really view it as some big sacrifice. I mean commitment is a big deal, something that shouldn’t be taking lightly but it’s not the end of the world. What I read was a list of a young man’s…I guess cons of commitment? They go as follows: “Compromise, loss of independence, sacrifice of sexual variety, and financial devastation”

Let me go in on this financial devastation first cause that’s what really threw me for a loop. How does commitment equal financial devastation? In what sense? Because the way I see it, you could be financially devastated by your damn self. You don’t need help with ruining your credit, or accumulating debt. The only way I could see commitment having anything to do with your finances is if you have a joint account with your significant other (which constitutes marriage) and they’re spending money all willy nilly. But even then, that has more to do with this person’s spending habits rather than the fact that you’re committed to them. Not everyone has bad spending habits or don’t know how to spend money so there’s a pretty big chance you won’t have that problem. Especially if you talk about these things and see what kind of person you’re dealing with before you decide to commit.

Anyway…back to the reason of why I chose that title. The first 3 on that list seems to be everyone’s problem with commitment. Is it really that big of a deal though? Compromise applies to everything in life. You’re not always going to have things going your way. Compromise is essential at work, at school, and just dealing with people in general. You’re going to have to learn how to meet people half way, it is what it is. Independence…commitment shouldn’t cost you your independence. Yes you’re not free to be with whoever you want to but when you decided you didn’t want to be single anymore you voluntarily gave that up did you not? So what does it matter? Other than that, you should still be the same person. Free to do whatever you want, go wherever you want, and speak to whoever you want. Your significant other shouldn’t stop you from doing any of this. The only thing you have to keep in mind is the line of respect. Yes you can talk to whomever, but don’t flirt or, more specifically, lead them on when you know you have a significant other. Yes you can do whatever you want minus anything that you know for a fact would hurt your significant other. I mean all this shouldn’t be a big deal to you, and if it is…why are you in a commitment? Faithfulness is what comes along with commitment…how is it a con? Which brings me to “sacrifice of sexual variety”. Very fancy way of saying you can’t fuck whoever, whenever you want. Is that really a con? I mean I don’t get people who make such a big deal out of that. Like for example, that video with Kevin Hart’s ex-wife saying she was unhappy because she’s had the same dick for the past 6 years. Some women really think like that (and men as far as pussy goes) and I just don’t get it. I mean did you not realize that you were saying you were kool with having the same dick for the rest of your life when you were reading your vows? Lol really though? I mean I’ve never been an advocate or participant in casual sex, so it really doesn’t upset me that when I have a boyfriend, I can’t have sex with nobody but him. But that really seems to piss a lot of people off and I’m just wondering what is the big deal?! I’m lost. Must you really fuck every attractive person you meet? It’s that serious right? When you commit and decide to be faithful, that is just a crazy big sacrifice right? Smh. I think people kind of blow commitment up to be more than what it is but hey…maybe it is just me lol. 

What about Free Will?

You know the saying “what’s meant to be will be” or “what’s meant to be will always find a way”?

Well I’ve been struggling with that concept. Keep in mind this is my opinion. I believe that God has a plan for us. He has a place of success that he wants us all to get to. But there’s a catch to that. People kind of look at me crazy when I say that but it only makes sense. I mean if things were going to happen solely because they were meant to be…would we have homeless? Would we have people struggling? Drug addicts? I mean I don’t think God meant for anyone to be 40 sumn living on the streets begging for change.  Yea yea okay what’s your point? What’s the catch? The catch is we have free will. We have the ability to choose our paths in life. Yes God wants us to go one way, but we can decide to go another. I’m not saying everyone who is living on the streets or going through some kind of trial right now brought it onto themselves. But sometimes that is the case. But let’s bring it back to a more specific topic. When people say what’s meant to be will be they are usually talking about relationships or people walking in and out of our lives. It’s kind of a defense mechanism or something to make you feel better. If it was meant to be, it will be.  That’s the justification. Well what if it was meant to be but it didn’t happen because someone fucked up. Someone made the wrong decision or did something stupid in the most major of ways. Is that not possible? Are you telling me that no matter what we do as people…if you are meant to be with someone, it will happen? I tried my best to believe this, to understand this concept and I just don’t. Maybe it’ll take someone breaking it down to me. Or maybe it's just how i feel at the moment because of what I've experienced with people. Example…I was watching The Adjustment Bureau. Hope you seen it cause I’m going to get real specific right about now lol so um, spoiler alert I guess. The two main characters are meant to be, that’s been established. But, the guy makes a decision…he decides that he’s not going to be with her. He walks out on her. And she goes to marry someone else. Now that is kind of out of context but it just illustrates my point. These two people were soul mates, made for each other, true love and all that goodness. But because he made that one decision…they almost (because of course it’s a movie so he had to go get her back) did not end up together. This happens all the freaking time lol. And you might find someone that makes you happy, a good person who genuinely loves and cares about you, like the guy she was going to marry in the movie.  But that doesn’t mean you were supposed to be with them. That spark, that passion, that fire that you had with your true love…you’ll never feel that again with anyone. I guess this is a real pessimistic way of thinking lol, idk…but it’s the only way that makes sense to me. It’s like people are trying not to blame themselves for messing up something that they know would  have been great…instead they just say “It wasn’t meant to be”.   I guess. I'm still back and forth with it myself tho so...whatever.